Quitting my day job?
I’m sitting here in my sweats with a corset underneath. Tonight we are going to another socially nude party and I’ve got 35 minutes until I have to get into the kitchen to make my contribution to the potluck- mushroom, spinach & artichoke lasagna roll-ups. I should be doing school work, but my head is spinning and I need to process…
It seems like we’ve been on autopilot for awhile and I’m trying to push past it. After the Disney “vacation” in September, work was so busy I stopped taking lunches and still stayed late. By the end of the day all I’ve wanted is food and sleep. I’m still keeping up with both classes and the MeetUps have all gone over really well. Next week we’re doing a focused discussion on the myths of bi sexuality.
So, My Mr. has started talking more and more about me quitting my day job to go to school full time. He knows I’m miserable there and that I’d be so much happier if I had the freedom to do other things with my days. The problem is that I don’t know that I want to stay in school after this term. At the end of the semester I will be eligible for a certificate in Gender and Sexuality studies and would only need 3 or 4 more classes to get a dual AA in psychology and GSS. Sounds great, except that college algebra is one of those classes. I scored so low on the placement that I need 3 math classes BEFORE I can even attempt a credit math class. And this brings me right back to the argument against the education “system” that I’ve had since middle school. If I was studying engineering, math as a requirement would make sense. But math as a requirement “just because” is only a hindrance for those of us who are working in fields that are communication based, and who, like me, suffer from debilitating math anxiety. Algebra literally makes me have panic attacks. Given the choice of a room full of snakes and an algebra test, I’d pick the snakes. It’s that bad.
Adding to the pressure, I only have until November 1st to submit my application for the certificate if I’m not going to continue. The clock is ticking and I have to choose. And in choosing to not go forward in school, I’m choosing to stay at my job. This is a job that, despite being much better than my previous job getting yelled at by entitled “Members” on swing shift, has become a soul-sucking experience. Let’s ignore the racist, sexist, ignorant remarks from Boss Man on a daily basis. Let’s ignore the nepotism that goes beyond the wife as HR director and son as my boss to the receptionist who grew up with their daughter and the techs that have been with Boss Man since they were teenagers in the Old Country. Let’s just look at the inconsistencies in workload from day to day, the flawed processes that are simply accepted as “the way it’s always been” and the fact that my position is constantly expanding while my paycheck stays the same. Let’s talk about the yelling when Boss Man is unhappy, the constant lack of clear information from both sides of the communication chain I’m in the middle of, and the way that everyone in the office is constantly pissed off and stressed out. My job sucks.
But then there’s my 1.5 mile commute, my adequate paycheck, and the fact that I finally know the job well enough that I’m checking the work of others as part of my daily routine.
The simple fact is that there is no easy answer. Adding to it all is that I don’t know if we’ll be moving next fall, or if we’ll stay an extra year. Usually I’d just go with my gut when a big decision was presented. And that’s the toughest part for me. The Autopilot is starting to feel like a heavy gray fog keeping me from having my usually strong intuition about which way to go when the road forks. I’ve considered going back on the Medi-Go-Round in an effort to lift the fog, but am holding out hoping for relief without pharmaceuticals. I’ve cut wheat out of my diet the best I can without going full-on gluten free. I’m taking supplements and just started the corset training… But the clock is ticking and I just don’t know what the right answer is this time.
Not giving up
But it feels really shitty to not see something to the end…
Tonight was to be my last burlesque class. The instructor is putting together a student showcase next month for our class as well as another class by a favorite performer of mine. Between the day job sucking the life out of me and the.. well, the fun we have on the weekends, I simply have not had time to finish my costume or practice anything resembling choreography. I e-mailed my instructor today telling her that if they need a stage kitten I’m in, but I’m not going to have my act together. Rather than drive out there and cut into rehearsal time for the other 3 ladies who have their acts lined up and ready to roll, I’m staying home tonight.
I’m not giving up, but am accepting that I’m just not in a place to make this happen right now. Makes me sad, but it’s better than getting on stage and half-assing it.
Back to the hamster wheel.
Poly People Problems*
*First off- I hate the term “poly” but that’s another rant I’ll save for later.
Secondly, I love alliteration.
Here’s the short version:
Couple A: non-monogamous for many years. Friends of ours for quite awhile. Wife A had an almost thing with My Mr. They are still close friends.
Couple B: Newly open.
Husband A and Wife B are dating. Wife B was Husband A’s date to our last discussion and I thought she was great.
Wife A and Husband B were dating.. ‘ish. Wife A was going to bring Husband B to tonight’s discussion group then told My Mr. that they were cooling off and that he was taking a break from the non-monogamy stuff. Wife B changed her RSVP over the weekend to be just her.
This morning Husband B messaged both of us on OkC. The message was light, friendly and a little flirty. Husband B is just as cute as his wife.
This afternoon Wife A changed her RSVP again and told My Mr. that’s she’s bringing Husband B tonight.
My Mr. was struggling with whether or not to tell Wife B about the OkC messages. I said that telling her tonight wouldn’t help anything and that we should see how Husband B behaves before deciding what or if to divulge.
The question is whether this was all a coincidence,or if Husband B is using Wife B to meet us. We won’t really know until they get here, but I’m curious how this might look to an outside party?
When people say to a boy "That’s for girls"
There seems to be an implication that liking or associating with anything feminine or girly is wrong and somehow beneath them.
When people say to a girl "That’s for boys"
There seems to be an implication that they must remember their place.
What a great perspective to share for tonight’s discussion!
And in other news…
I went to my first rope event last weekend. BF1 was there as was his ‘rope spirit animal.’ To say I enjoyed myself is an understatement. The next night we went to a Kink 101 event and I learned that ‘thuddy’ can be as good as ‘stingy.’
I’ve been really worn out this week, but have a lot going on. We are hosting our discussion group tomorrow night: “Gender and Judgements” I’ll add the link to our jumping off point at the bottom.
Thursday is my last burlesque class but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be stage ready for the October show the instructor is trying to put together.
My day job continues to frustrate me to no end.
I got tired of random spammy messages on MeetUp and removed my picture from all but our group and today it hit me that the kinds of messages like I get on OkC a lot are just the internet version of being catcalled. I was all ranty about it, but now that I’ve got a full belly and comfy couch I’m just too tired to think about it all.
Time to re-watch the TedTalk and prep for tomorrow night.