Ups & Downs (Wine-Induced blogging)
Wednesday night… I’ll admit it, I felt like a fucking rock star. The turnout for our 1st focused discussion group was just short of wall-to-wall, but thanks to MeetUp math everyone had a little elbow room. At the end of the night I had several genuine “Thank you’s” and a couple people that said, “I learned a lot… I’ll be back.”
The best comment of the night was from someone that we know from the Northern discussion group. She said that what happened in our group was what she had been looking for there. Hell yes!
But then I went to work on Thursday and all of it spiraled downhill. I work in an office attached to a factory. There are other similar buildings in the same complex and some mornings I drive up to find groups of men outside their vans in our parking spaces. Not only does this annoy me due to the limited parking, but I get that instinctual fear that women get when groups of men are hanging out leering at them. I’ve ignored it, and simply increased my pace when walking to the office from my car more often than I’d like to admit. Thursday morning I actually heard a whistle. A cat-call. And I froze in my steps out of disbelief. Was I seriously sexually harassed on my way into the office? Seriously?!?
I turned my head and saw no less than 6 sets of eyes on me. One voice in my head said, “No… you have the wrong footwear on to walk over there.”
Another voice felt small and de-humanized while questioning my choice of attire.
Yet another voice just howled with rage…
But I turned and walked into the building and stifled it all.
The rest of the day was colored through the lens one might call ‘Angry Feminist.’ I had an e-mail altercation of sorts with a sales rep from one of our dealers that had me literally crying tears of rage that only escalated when Boss Boy intervened and I saw how quickly the ‘man-speak’ changed the sales rep’s tone. Boss Boy empathized with my frustration but said “You should hear how the dealer talks to us!” I have deep psychological analysis on that whole scene seeing how Boss Man (Boy Boy’s father) “communicates” but that’s a whole blog unto itself.
It was only this morning when I heard Boss Boy talking to someone else about how unprofessional the rep was and that he wanted to address the dealer about it that I felt a little better about the situation. That was my “win” of the day…
Today was the last day to take my final exam for the summer class I’ve been taking. I worked through lunch all week to be sure I could take the time off without using PTO to take the test this afternoon. I was working with the idea that the testing center was open until 5pm. At 2:10pm when I walked into the building I saw the sign showing that they closed at 2pm and the only other testing center (45 minutes away) was only open until 4:30pm. The test is 2 hours long. -_- FAIL.
Despite knowing that without the exam I’m still going to pull an 88% I had quite the meltdown. It was the disappointment in My Mr.’s voice that pushed me over the edge, but the way My Kiddo responded that made it worth it. She hugged me and said that she wasn’t disappointed in me at all. She told me that she was proud of me and that she knows how hard I’ve worked. She said, “We’ve been through hell. This is nothing.” What an amazing woman she’s becoming!
She went so far as to message My Mr. telling him how much his tone hurt me and telling him to bring me flowers. But rather than flowers, he brought home steak and cooked dinner while I sparkled up my nails. We’ve consumed copious amounts of wine and he’s now “blinking for extended periods” in the recliner while I eat chocolate and watch WWE.
It’s messy… But life is good.
Children’s Book Explaining Homosexuality
Catching up and Catching my Breath
Our first discussion with the MeetUp group seemed to be a success. It was free-form and rambled a bit, but there was not a single cricket heard during the entire 2 hours. A couple we know from the Northern Poly group came, and that played a big part in keeping the flow going. We have an on-going rule with DG that anyone can tell him to shut up and at any point… he’ll reply with a ‘Fuck You’ but it’s all in love. His wife is pretty great, too. She and I chatted for a bit and she remarked that when we first met they had said, “Why can’t we meet more couples like (me & My Mr)!” Another bonus is that they are local.
I’m down to my last week of my summer class but it’s going to be one hell of a week..
- I’ve got tentative plans to meet McT after work on Monday. We’ve been talking about hanging out forever, but I’m hopeful that we’ll actually make it happen this time.
- Our 2nd discussion group is Wednesday night and we’ve already got a waitlist going because we’ve maxed our capacity. At this rate we’ll need to find somewhere else to host because our place is too small.
- Thursday we’re finally going to a discussion in DC we’ve been trying to get to forever.
- Friday I take my final at the college.
- Saturday we’re going to a burlesque show with our MeetUp group.
The week after that I go back into the 2nd session of burlesque class. I need to start putting together my costume and more fully choreographing my act. There’s talk of a show in the fall and as apprehensive as I am about it, I feel like I have something to prove to myself.
Today’s plans include manicures and yet another attempt to buy clothes and a bra-like thing to wear next weekend with my new dress. With everything going on next week, this weekend is the only time I’ve got for the last module’s assignments. My final isn’t until Friday but I have assignments due Wednesday. I’m holding a solid 98% and have been an extra credit whore… I’m not giving up that kind of grade by fucking off the last week.
There’s still a lot of heavy talk with My Mr. about our boundaries and how to navigate it all, but it all boils down to growing pains. I’m finally in a place where I can talk about his impending time away at the end of the year without crying. Three months apart isn’t long in comparison to how it was with ExH, but My Mr. and I haven’t been apart for more than a week since we met. Doing the ‘apart’ thing with the non-monogamy is very new turf for us both. We’re doing our best to be honest and realistic about it, but there’s no real way of knowing until we get there.
I have the biggest assignment of the term due on Wednesday but no matter how many time I read the instructions I can’t wrap my brain around it. I’ve got a 98% in the class, but blowing this paper would mean blowing my A. Tomorrow night we’re going to the monthly discussion group up North, then Tuesday our group is having its first discussion group. In my house. With a dozen people RSVP’d… I’m trying not to freak out. But ever since last week all I have is self doubt and fear of failure. I know better, but the Anxiety Monster is really eating at me.
That is all.
Boundaries and History
I disabled OkCupid and left 2 MeetUp groups this morning. This weekend has me in a place of so much deep pain that all I want to do is curl up under a rock and never see another human being ever again. Specifically another woman…
If every time you went into a garden you were got bitten by a snake, you’d just stop going into gardens, right? That was the basis for the boundaries with women that I had set upon meeting My Mr. The boundary was simple: No other women. I’d rather be completely monogamous than have another woman in our life in any intimate capacity.
Now, I own my stuff, but have to accept that no matter how “unfair” it may be, those boundaries are there based on a long history of negative relationships that I tried to overcome time and time again with the same result. Last I checked, that’s the definition of insanity! But the thing is that there are things in a garden that are a source of nourishment and it’s not something I wanted to actively prevent him from having. For all my scar tissue, I wanted him to be able have connections with other women on some level and I wanted to be okay with it. I wanted to believe we would find a garden without a snake in it. I needed that- not only for him, but for me.
This weekend only served to reinforce all of the things I wanted to unlearn. I am in so much pain that the idea of just getting up and moving forward with our social circles, our own MeetUp group and all of the other endeavors we’ve been working towards feels impossible.
My Mr. said last night, “Life is MESSY.” That’s an understatement…
It all looks so bright and shiny.. but if you look closely you’ll see it’s just the last spark hanging on, reflected in all of my cracks like a prism.